I went into that retreat not really knowing what to expect, but I knew that I needed something. I was so weary, and I was definitely dreading entering into the Spring semester. Maybe I had a major breakthrough while I was there, but maybe I just began to see what God had been working in me all along.
For so long, I had dealt with feelings of unworthiness and had never been able to really accept the love of God, no matter how much I knew that He was willingly offering it. Moving up to that retreat, God had already been working that in me, and had brought me from "God could never love me" to "God loves me, but...," and through that retreat, He brought me to "God loves me, period." After the retreat, He brought me farther still, to "God loves me, so...," the hope of promise and a future. For a while, I basked in that revelation and enjoyed my new closeness to the Lord.
God's love reaches us exactly where we are, but it is never content to leave us there.
Lately, the Lord has been working in me to purge me of my pride. I have learned that pride often masquerades as fear and self-doubt...even self-loathing. The fact is that all these things still focus on self! I have this tendency to crave affirmation from other people, such to the point that God's affirmation on my life is not enough for me. That is idolatry, pure and simple. That truth stings, for sure, but it also heals. The first step to healing is the acknowledgement of my brokenness. As the Lord and I explore to find where the root of that problem lies, I hope that my personal transformation will teach me things to help heal others in turn.
Blessings,
-P